she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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