Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
