A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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