Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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