The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
