ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
