Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
