Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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