He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
