Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
