My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
not ubering you a puppy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
