Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
