I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
