Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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