I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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