I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.