i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
