Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
