I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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