On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
