guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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