Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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