my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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