apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
