Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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