Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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