Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
