I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
