I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
