I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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