oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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