am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
