ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I looked at my own cervix.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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