I am in a vortex of obligation.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
