Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
