I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Cover your peen. We're going out.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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