I just threw up on my dentist
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
