I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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