You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
