i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its not stalking. its research.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
