nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
