God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
