I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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