All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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