just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
