Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
