i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he thought i was a dude.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK