doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
