Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
