i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
