Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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