Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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