You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
