anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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