You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
